Breaking the habit

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)Aug 29th 2007

The Bottom Line
Sometimes a good memory can be a curse -- try to let go of the past and move on.
In Detail

Sometimes a good memory can be a blessing, and sometimes it can be a curse -- like today, when a fading friendship makes you wistful for the way things used to be. On the other hand, there is a new acquaintance in your life, and you should feel happy that you have the time you need to build the relationship -- there is a lot of potential there, and you can sense it. People enter and exit your life, and sometimes exits are for the best. Do not think of ending a relationship as a failure.

Jobs

in order to accomplish my dreams...this semester....its a full time student at college.

1) part time waiter
2) part time assistant manager
3) part time sales person
4) part time whatever job im getting
5) part time online selling product

thats alot.......well, who cares?

Keep that thought

whatever i wrote on it.

i mean it.

it'll happen.

and till then.

its your choice.

Im back in Cali.

feels lonely....

but tommrrow i turn over a new leaf,

im a man on a quest, a mission, and even though it seems impossible,

as long as i listen to my heart.

i believe anything is possible.

Do you believe?

i do.

and thats why im doing back to california tommrrow.
maybe 2 years later ill be back here?
or even earlier?
who knows?
even god doesnt know that.

but i listen to my heart.
flights at 12.55pm and ill see ya next time HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you for these 10 days......

Listen to your heart.

thats what im doing.

Im on a roll?

August 21st 2007.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)[?]
The Bottom Line
Changing this flow of energy would be hard, so why bother? Ride it like a wave.
In Detail

When you're hot, you're hot, and there is little you can do to cool down the heat you're generating right now. Damming this flow of energy is hard to do, so why bother trying? Ride it like a rollercoaster -- just hang on, close your eyes and scream if you feel like it! Trying to avoid all of the stimulation that is coming your way right now would be impossible. You are much better off accepting it and then channeling it in positive directions.

a mistake in my life

iv met a obstacle in my life, a big mountain and at the age of 18, i might be lost about what to do.

but

iv found a way and im going to get to the other side of the mountain.

no matter what it takes.

a mistake in my life wont kill me, thousands wont, because ill learn from them.

decision is final. HELLO CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And he took me in

and there after i asked god for a sign that night,

he showed me a sign later that night.

thank you god. you are kind

Maybe its all just a fluke?

if all of this is just a fluke?

i went back for the wrong reasons,

i planned for the wrong reasons,

than its just a mistake that i made in my life and ill step up and move on.

walk down waikiki beach on august 16th 2007

i took a almost 2 hour walk today coasting down waikiki beach, its my 3rd day here and everything seems so much better....feels so much better.....now that i have made a decision in my life, ill regret not staying, but ill regret more not leaving. or maybe vice versa. but whatever i do, as long as i have a dream and a goal, ill reach there in the end, dont matter what path i take, how long i took. ill get there eventually. im leaving waikiki wanting to come back again, today i spoke to an artist, a one of a kind artist in this world, his words of wisdom enlightened me. everyone has a gift, everyone is gifted. i am too, and as long as i try my best, anything is possible. i have a goal now, actually more than one after tonight, cause i met 2 people that changed my decisions totally, made me not second thought my decision, they made my decisions final. now i feel better. now its time to go back to cali and accomplish my goals. my dreams and my plans. i feel alive again. her words woke me up, his art showed me the light, her writings told me my path, her advices made me strong, her lecture game me power. now ill go for my dreams.

This is Home,

truly
Where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me
Where that river always flows
This is home, surely
As my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone
For this is where I know it's home

this is home, truly
i dont think im ready
where my dreams wait for me
where that smell of sushi rolls
this is home, surely
as my taste buds tingling
this is where i wont be alone
for this is where i know its home.

ill go home someday, but maybe not now. i miss home.

My Unforgettable Past

is it my past thats stopping me from staying here?
is it because of my past that im scared of thats making me not stay?
is it because it feels, smells, taste too much like home but maybe im scared that way?
is it because starting all alone here makes me scared?
is it because my friends are not here to start with me?
is it because im afraid to make new friends?

one thought came to me today,

i love going back to singapore, i love going back for vacation. all my life dream has been going back to stay and have a life there.

but would i feel the same thing when i go back there?
can i stay in singapore if i have a choice again?
things changed.....maybe if i have a choice right now to go back ill probably be scared too

im losy totally lost.
my past is in my way.
its too much to talk about my past,
either i find home now and make new friends, or i can find it 2 years later.

and my mom too.
she keeps infering that without her im a worthless piece of shit.

im lost, not confused.....
can god show me a sign tonight?

Lost, Insecured, Hurt

Im in hawaii now....yes there is a hurricane, but ill be okay.
first things first, im here for college, HPU(hawaii pacific university), but i checked it out, downtown campus and the campus uphill, they dont look like a traditional school, its like a tuition center in downtown where my classes will be at and its worst than singapore orchard road. its old houses and towns and no shopping places. i want to study in an environment that i could excel in studies and also enjoy myself and have fun at the same time. this is not it. dont look like it. i took a gander at the other only university in hawaii, UOH(university of hawaii). its a traditional school alright, the campus is like 10 times of my old high school, guess whats the enrollment number?

FREAKING 25,000!!!!!!! number of students in that freaking school!!!!! its like let say.......those that know will know, 10-12 times of RSS maybe even more, oh ya the campus is HUGE!!!!!!!

now thats a traditional school alright, but too old and TOO big for me, aint my type. the shopping mall here are so bad they only sell shits for tourist pretty much, so theres nothing for me to buy and nothing for me to shop.but still, i dont really have a feel for it here.....

i dunno why....the longer i stay here the more i miss, miss everything....what use to be the best time in my life, i miss her, i miss my friends, i miss the innocent times in singapore.....but now...its all about my future and my career.....

i got couple choices.....

1) stay here and fight through what ever comes in my way but maybe regret about it for 4 years straight (that i can do)

2) stay here and fight through what ever comes in my way but maybe regret about it for 2 years and than decide to transfer to UOH or UNLV(university of las vegas)

3) move back to california and study junior college for 2 years than come back to hawaii with shit loads of cash and shit loads of college credits and finished all the general ed ready to go into my major and not regret it cause im feeling of doing it.

4) move back to california and study junior college for 2 years and than move to las vegas with shit loads of cash and shit loads of college credits and ready to work in a hotel or a casino with experience and get out there with a hotel management bachelors degree or a BA for TIM(Travel Industry Mangement)

i like 4 the most.......i dunno....iv done so much this past 3 years..everything pointed here to hawaii.......i even missed my flight at 8.55a.m to hawaii yesterday but than WOW there is another flight at 9.55a.m so we only waited like 30 minutes.....i dont believe it.......its creepy even....i didnt get into any other university other than here....creepy too.....everything seems like it was destiny.....but i dont know why god lead me till here......why? i dont know....i thought i would feel alot closer to home(singapore) here but i feel even more distance......

i never liked changes, if i do choose to stay here, ill have to build everything from the beginning again like i did 3 years ago except this time, im alone, i hate to say this, but im a little scared........really.......not walking around here only thing keeping my moving and still hanging around is her....all i think of is her.....she is what makes me strong......i cant make it through without her.....but now....

im confused......lost.......hurt.....scared.......please someone tell me what do. ill leave the choice to you....help me make my choice......dont tell me to do what ever i want to do, or do what my heart tells me to do cause my heart......is lost.....in this world........

So Long, california!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today i leave cali

but

today i come hawaii.

It Ends Tonight......

after a year since last summer with this blog.......


235 blogs total including this one.....

all the blood and tears shed.....

but when everything is meant to be, itll end tonight.......

tommrrow a new beginning arrives and like all things are meant to be, theres more than meets the eye.......

it embarks a new start, a new page, a new chapter, a new line.

tommrrow marks the end of a journey and the beginning of a new one,

for all journeys that end, dont be sad, its a new beginning........

flights at 8.55a.m.............
its 2.15p.m now.....
less than 24 hours to pack.....
flights 5 hours and 15 minutes.....
it'll be really painful but exiting........

ill call when i get there......no reference of who im going to call....but eh.......who cares?

Everybody loves KUNG FU fighting......

2 more days....
2 more days till i leave....
2 more days till my last night working.....
2 more days till i fly to hawaii my first time....
2 more days till i fly again....
2 more days till i miss this state where i spent my critical period of my life at....
2 more days till i have to wait a year to fly agian.....
2 more days till i start a new adventure...
2 more days till i walk alone.....
2 more days till i start again........
2 more days till i move on......................................................................................

i watched rush hour 3 today...its awesome......

lost $170....for entertainment....

so i drove like 2 hours to jackson ranche casino today and lost $170 in texas holdem,blackjack and machine.....lol...as my math teacher said you gamble for entertainment and not for money......that way you walk away the winner....its addictive.....but yeah.....i had fun.....they allow you to go in when you are 18 unlike other casinos you have to be 21.....so ya....really nice......and i drove back so total its like 4 hours of driving....and im so tired.....losing $170 kinda kills me a bit but its something i always wanted to do when im 18..so im happy..no more casino for half a year...!!!

ressurection.....after life....

the old kingston died last night, too much pressure and a broken heart......the dark side has taken over.....but as it was....a glow of light shined from my inner "conscience" trapped deep down in the bottom of my heart.

the white figure seemed at first sight a little bit unfamiliar.

but slowly as it start to rise up and with tha magical powers as it flew past my darker side it kinda dropped some powdery thing that made all the darkness disappear....

but i know that its not over yet.....this angel came back from the death after my soul beg and called it back for one last time.....

the darkness is temporarly gone......

but this angel will stay not for long......because it has revived me and brought my mind and soul back from the darkness....and now its up to myself to prove and make things clear.....

iv always said i tried my best.....but i forgot i havent tried my best....
yet.....

iv been ressurected.....

now the after life begins....

This love thing........

i like you so much,


and things around me jsut makes me you feel the same way too.

things have changed alot over the years....

but my feelings for you has never changed a bit...

i just cant let go even i promised and tried....

everytime i think of you heart just hurts...

there are things i want to say,

and im not afraid......

everytime you say there no chemistry

everytime you say you dont like me

i dont believe.

i'd take you by the hand and say i like you.

i found my love,

but my love.....

............its killing me..........

i feel so close to you, i feel so near to you, i feel so immediate to you.

do you?

its like we know each other,
we just dont say it,
its like we are connected,
just that we dont express it,
its like we are meant to be,
you just havent realize it,
its like we should already been together,
but im the one messing it up.

the demonic like beast inside the bottom of my heart is slowly awakening as it slowly feeds on the energy of darkness and the power. soon...........it shall be called upon.

............and slowly eating me alive

everyones away, busy, at a concert, not picking up, going for dinner, or eating dinner.

no one to talk to.
no one that will listen.
no one that is willing to listen.

why would anyone even bother or want to listen to my same old story again and again and again?

i dont know if anyone want to but if someone were to tell me something like what im wanting to say, id listen to them day and night because they need a listener.

saying it out really helps you feel better.

but today, no medicine will cure my inner darkness
no pills will kill my pain away.
no dreams can keep my mind away from my inner fear, insecurity.

its getting early. 5.39a.m here now.......trying to call someone that is free and is willing to listen to my same old story again again.....

if anyone could help me i think its people from my past, my childhood, from my happiest times in my life. if anyone could help me.

everyday i think of her and it just hurts me more.
i cant stop thinking of her everyday.
its been like that for so long....years and years....

if there is a god up there looking after.
please help me tie this nod together with me and her.

amen.

is it the past? or is it just her?

iv been thinking and thinking and thinking....

could it be that i cant let go of my past?

my happy years back than when i had the best time in my life?

could it be that i cant let go of her?

the person iv liked so long that im willing to change for her?

could it be that i cant let go of my friends?

those that were there for so long?

could it be that i cant change the fact that we've all changed?

that i just didnt see it comin this soon?

could it be that i cant forget about the past and move on?

i cant get my eyes and mind off her and cast another bait into the sea?

i do need help,
i need someone or anyone that can help me pull me through this.
please..