i beat it..197..lol...im gay(happy)

lol, i went bowling today after a hard day of work....

just as i was warming up,

my stroke started to come.

so i practiced till the second last game game number 10

guess how many points?

lol....dont tell you...

k la k la...

197!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

picture will be up tommrrow

and now the challenge is up to who ever thinks they can beat 197......lol

regreting....

ever felt that someday you realize something, a mistake that you made to begin with that changed your whole life and now its too late?

i tried to move on.

but liking someone for so long and having such strong feelings for someone special is hard to get over with, its been almost 7 years now. and 7 years of feelings dont just disappear over night.

but now i realize.

that the mistake was me all along...the wrong question and mistake that i made.

if i asked the right question.

will our future be like this now? will we be so distant from each other? will we have cry our hearts out to each other so many times that we lost count? will i even be blogging now?

it hurts even more now...

it hurts everytime i think about it.

it hurts everytime i try to move on.

it hurts everytime i see her pictures.

it hurts now more than ever...but if i had asked the right question would things have changed?

can i still change history?
can i alter my mistake and make things right this time?
can i hold my future in my palms and be in control of it and not let it slip away?
can i hold onto happiness and hold it and love it and cherish it?

im regreting....as the dark side now takes over me even more, i dont know how long i can hold till the dark side pulls me down into that dark hole of eternity.

mary jane: everybody needs help, peter, even spider man.

can someone help me?

realizing....

but its too late,

everything is there....

but time is no longer there....

life is cruel...

life is unexpected...

life is suprising...

life is limited...

life is crap...

life is heart...

life is love...

life is like...

life is nothing without you

i finally realize

that its been 7 years and the question i first asked wasent the question that i was suppose to start with.

first you told me you wanted to finish school

then you told me you want to finish sec

i left saying that ill wait for you

than you told me you dont like me

i dunno

but now i realize.

its not ill wait for you
is will you wait for me?

but i dont think the connection is there anymore...

What is love?

im confused.....
im 18 already....
im just trying to be like a 18 year old...

mom,
Can you stop,
can you give me some rooom
can you give me some fucking privacy
can you stop treating me like im still 5?

what is love?
is this call love?
motherly love?

i like you already
i want to tell you now
i've been planning for a whole date on your birthday
i dont know if you'll come though.

but i want to tell you
but i want you to hear me say i like you
but i want you to tell me the same thing too
but i want you to want to make this work

im leaving though
im leaving for a long time
im not going to see you for a while
im going to miss you
im going to hurt you
im going to do what i dont want to

what is love?
is this love?

i dunno if i should let you know
you've dug into my heart and soul
i dont want to let you go
but seems your hands are not mine to hold.

just feelin......

nothing to do,cant sleep.......im thinking about her.....
i dunno what wrong but i just dont know....

does this mean i like you?
does this mean its not just obssesion?
does this mean its not desperation?
does this mean its not sense of insecurity?

i dunno......

i dont want to make a mistake
i dont want to make things bad
i dont want to lose you
i dont want to hurt you

but i dunno......

if you have the same feelings
if you want to be with me
if you know me
if you'll understand me
if you like me

i dunno anything.........

but i know

that i want to see you cause i miss you.....

她要我她不爱我

i finally found the song......that means the most to me because it tells a story.....

a similar story.....

to mine.....

她要我她不爱我-任贤齐

够清楚了
完全明白了
我知道该怎么做了
那也没什么
现在我伤心
只是气自己太傻了
喔也许离开是对的
也许一开始我就错了
也许我真正最想要的
也不是她能给的
她要我她不爱我
她要自由却怕寂寞
反正我给什么都不对
还不够填饱她的胃
她让我
觉得自己像个累赘
够清楚了
完全明白了
我知道该怎么做了
那也没什么
现在我伤心
只是气自己太傻了
喔也许离开是对的
也许一开始我就错了
也许我真正最想要的
也不是她能给的
她要我她不爱我
她懂得要求
却不懂把握
她似乎什么都不在乎
对我的付出从不屑一顾
她没有伤我
只是我自己太软弱
她要我她不爱我
她要自由却怕寂寞
反正我给什么都不对
还不够填饱她的胃
她让我
觉得自己像个累赘
她要我她不爱我
她懂得要求
却不懂把握
她似乎什么都不在乎
对我的付出从不屑一顾
她没有伤我
只是我自己太软弱......................

everytime i seem to be almost there at least giving it a first try, something comes up.and 4 out of 5 times is that i have to leave, no time. why cant time be my friend and let me freestyle for a bit before i leave so at least i can tell myself that i actually tried?1 out of 2 times her birthday is coming up and everything seems to be going okay when a phone call just comes and ruins everything and make me go off track. now im all confused.

they say if you love someone, go for it.

but it seems to me that going for it may seem impossible.

i dunno.

it wasent love at first sight for this person.
it wasent love of desperation for this person
it wasent love of obssesion with this person

she is the closest i have ever been to.
she is the closest i have ever felt.
she is the closest i have ever lived.

we live in 2 different worlds.
so far apart that just wanting to see each other is hard enough, not to mention going on movie or something.
iv always thought about the positive everytime i came in this kinda situation.
but for her,
i thought about the negatives too.
i always thought its a different thing to know that someone likes you and actually hearing them say that they like you.
so iv kept my mouth silence.

im struggling between the pros and cons of whether to say it or not.
i dont want to hurt her, if she has the same feelings for me too
i dont want to hurt myself, if she has the same feelings for me too.
this might just be another false alarm.
another mistake.

her birthday is coming up, im hoping that at least i can do something special for her.

all i want to do is find a way into love.....

you see it in my eyes, you know i want to say.
i see it in your eyes, dont know what you're thinking out in this sunny day.

you see it in my eyes, when you know that i have feelings for you
i see it in your eyes, not knowing if you have feelings for me too.

you see it in my eyes, you know im trying to say something.
i see it in your eyes, i dont know how, dont know why but its happening.

you see it in my eyes, knowing that iv been through time and tide.
i see it in your eyes, wanting to tell you its not love at first sight.

you see it in my eyes, the way i keep looking at you.
i see it in your eyes, but i dont know what i mean to you.

today

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

The Bottom Line
If you're facing a decision, don't rely on your gut. Go for intellect, not emotion.

In Detail
When you're facing a decision today, don't rely on your gut. Think things through analytically. If you try to go for intellect rather than emotion, you will not only make a wiser decision but also learn something about yourself -- and this situation -- along the way. Your smarts are extensive, and you should trust your brain to come up with the right solution. Instinct is good, but right now you need to see things add up on paper before you believe them to be true.

well......its oaky....but not okay....

i guess almost everybody forgot tha yesterday was my birthday.....only like 10 people wished me.....10!!!! thats pretty low count...but you know....well actually 12 cause wee ho emailed me and janice too.....eh......but if i were to name those that didnt called me it would be more than the number times i have said shit in my life! which is alot.....

i just dont know why or how can people forget my birthday.

maybe thier busy?

maybe they just forgot?

maybe they didnt want to call or spend that 15 cent to msg me?

i dunno....

but god knows watever it is guys.....its too late my 18 birthday passed....and ill always remember who called and who didnt....thank you.......(now the devil is back)

Thank you mom for these 18 years.......

so today is my birthday and we went abalone hunting first...and decided we go fishing later after.....so the limit is 3 person and along with all the other rules and regulation and shit...so me and my friend both caught 3 but we had his wife and his nephew so we needed 5 mroe cause 3 for his wife and 2 for the boy cause he is under 16 and you dont need a lisence to catch under 16 but you can only get 2. so we caught more for them. and this cop was spying on us the whole time. so after we got back he busted us and this was like 8.am on saturday june 30th. so we are going to court on august 7 and blah...blah...blah....so after that we went home. and i went to work. than came home had a cake. and that was my 18th birthday ladies and gentleman.......

its not about the birthday.
its about what i can do now that iv never done before.

im happy. thank you.